Single parent? Or Wannabe?

Parenting is hard.  Period.  I know you’ve heard this before, but  kids don’t come with instructions.  Every one is different and what works for your first child, may not work for your second.  Being a parent is hard.  Rewarding, for sure, but difficult, we learn as we go. 

As hard as parenting is, being a single parent is twice as hard.  You have all the trial and error, all the mistaking, all the financial pressure, emotional and mental pressure of parenting, all the responsibility of family life that normally falls on four shoulders, on only two.  It’s a heavy load.  I know.

Recently, I have come across a few people, men mostly who claim to be single dads, but when questioned further, actually only have their kids part time.  While I commend them for being a part of their children’s lives (no, not really, you’re a Dad, it’s your JOB!) I would like to clarify that sharing custody is NOT the same as being a single parent.  You may be a single parent half of the time, sure, or part of the time, maybe, but the rest of the time someone else is the parent.  This is co-parenting, or kid sharing, or shared custody etc.  This is NOT single parenting.

Yeah, I am a little offended at this claim to be single Dad’s from guys that are not.  Yeah, it pisses me off.  I have been a single parent for 19 years.  Me, myself and I.  No Dad in the picture to take the kids on weekends or let me go out for movie night with the girls, or sleep in on Saturday or go to Vegas for the weekend.  I don’t get a week without my kids or every second weekend to myself.  Co-parents do.  I love my kids to death and truthfully, wouldn’t change a thing about the way we have all grown up over the past 19 years.  My complaint is not that I was a single Mom.  I loved being a single Mom.  My complaint is that people pretend to be single parents when they are not. 

My complaint is that people don’t seem to understand the WORK that is involved in single parenting.  The time, effort, money, stress and pressure (normally shared by two parents) that it takes to raise a child (or two or more) as a single parent is double.  And single parents do all of this in half the time.  We still have to work.  Still have to support our families, but somehow we have to find time to do it all in as much time as it normally takes two people to do the same things.  Work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, activities, taxiing kids around, emotional support; the list is endless!  This would be like if your boss at work asked you to be the Secretary and the CEO of the company but only gave you 40 hours a week to do both jobs and only paid you wages for one.   Could you do it?  Would you?

I know there are some Dad’s who actually are single parents and do a damn fine job.  As unfathomable as it is, there are Mom’s who have left their babies behind and the Dads have stepped up to the plate. Sometimes due to unfortunate circumstances, a Father is left alone with the kids.   I know of many  Fathers who are doing a great job of being Mommy, and daddy.   Good job guys!  They are not the issue.  The issue is people claiming to be single parents when they are not.

This is just disrespectful!  Single parenting is a very real thing for many of us!  It’s a job in and of itself.  And it’s twice as hard as co-parenting or double-parenting.  But it is probably also twice as rewarding.  A single parent gets to experience all of the firsts and all of the joys and heartaches and sorrow that normally fall on two heads.  And while I am certain it must be nice to have someone else to share all the firsts  the smiles, and lost teeth and broken bones and bruised hearts and even the blood sweat and tears,  there is something a little extra sweet about knowing that you did this all on your own. 

Raising kids is difficult, and parenting is hard, even with two parents.  Single parenting; taking a job normally shared between two partners and doing it all on your own, is just that much harder.  So any of you co-parents, and shared custody parents, please do not dis-respect all the wonderful single parents out there, Moms and Dads alike, by presenting yourself as a single parent, when you are not!

Whether you are a Mom or Dad, single or married, yes, parenting is hard, but it is also  the most rewarding difficult job any of us will ever have! 

Love you more than cupcakes

How much do I love you?  I love you more than cupcakes. 

How much do I love you?  Like the waves of the Ocean.  I love you to the moon and back.  Or like I used to say to my kids when they were small (still do) “I love you as much as the sky!”  There are so many ways for Mothers; parents to try to explain to our kids how much we love them.  Try as we might, though, I don’t think words can ever really, accurately describe the love a parent feels for child. It’s just too big for words.

My kids are older now, teens, Jake is going to be 19 in just two days and while I do remember how much I loved them when they were born and new, when I held their little hands as they learned how to walk, cuddled them as they fell asleep or wiped away the tears after a fall or a heartbreak, I don’t think I’ve ever loved them as much as I do at this moment.  It’s hard to believe, as a Mom, that the overwhelming love you have for your child the first time you see him or her will actually grow as your child grows.

It’s hard to fathom that this little person you brought into the world and helped grew and mold and shape into a fine human being will eventually surpass your expectations and grow into a beautiful loving and caring young adult.  It’s hard to imagine, too that you’re already overflowing heart will fill with so much more love for your child you feel like it just may burst!  But it won’t!

As he or she grows and develops and blossoms into his or her own best version, you will be so proud and so filled with awe and full of love that your heart will overflow.  And this love will grow and grow and grow!  Forever!  And the more your child grows and learns and develops, the more your love for him (or her) grows and expands and overflows. 

But your heart won’t burst, even if it feels as though it might.  And you will try to find the words or ways to show your children how much you love the person he or she is becoming.  You will find phrases, and poems, and hallmark cards that try to explain it and put into words the feeling that only a parent can know.  I love you more than cupcakes.  I remember the day you were born.  I’m so proud of the person you’ve become.  These are all important, heartfelt words for a parent, but none of them can accurately describe how we feel, how we feel, how much love we have four our children.  It’s just too big for words!

So when I say to you, my beautiful loving daughter and my strong, sweet son “ I love you as much as the sky!”   I really do mean it. The sky is huge, vast and all encompassing.  It covers and protects  us and holds all  on earth in a comforting strong embrace and that is like my love for you.  Enormous, encompassing, and complete.  

As much as the sky my loves!  I love you as much as the sky! 

You got this!

Calm down.   

Relax. 

Control your emotions.  Think before you speak.  
Engage brain before opening mouth. It’s not a big deal. 

You’re too emotional.  It is what it is.   (Need I continue?)

How many times have we heard someone say this to us?  How many times have we ignored this advice and continued on our merry way down the well trodden path of defending   and explaining our actions?  

How many times have we let our emotions take control and run away with our mouths instead of taking heed of good advice, taking a deep breath, and being quiet?  

Like Narcissus in the pond, our focus can often times be Me, me, me, me, me.  And we want everyone else to know this.  And we want the world to hear how we feel, what we think and what we KNOW.  This is natural.

If someone tells us to calm down or relax or be quiet, we get our backs up, and we want to roar and we want to be heard.  How many times has someone said to you “Just relax, calm down.  It’s not a big deal”?

How many times?

For me, this has happened a multitude of times.  In fact it has happened more times than I care to recall, but it has only been in the past few months that I have had the forbearance to actually take note.  

I remember once, I was about 12 years old and my dad was saying, as I was quite agitated over something that had just occurred,  “Calm down Lori Pori, Stop.  Relax. You’re so emotional. Listen!”   Well of course he was right, but I was upset.  I was  in a panic.  I had things I needed to say.  I felt, I needed, I wanted,  I was staring at my own self reflection, cloudy though the mirror may have been, and I couldn’t see anyone else.  I could not hear anything else.

Calm down.   He said. 

Relax.  He said.

Control your emotions, he said.

But I could not.  I was upset.  I was fiery.  I was stubborn.  And I was not about to let anyone tell me what to do.  Least of all a Dad who had barely been there for me.  What did he know?  (Turns out, he’s quite the wise man).

Calm down?  Relax?  Don’t be so emotional? 

Although these are trigger words for me, loaded, personal, And poignant, they are, in fact some of the most important words ever spoken and quite probably some of the best advice I have ever received, and ignored and ignored and ignored.  

You know, we get fired up, we want to be right, we want to explain ourselves and have the  world understand us, and have others agree with us and relate, and want to help. 

And there are times when this is ok.  But the plain truth is, there are times, when none of this really matters.  
When we are emotional and not thinking clearly and stuck inside our own heads and can only see through Narcissuses’ mirror,  the only thing to do is stop.  

And breathe, and focus. 

And listen.

There are many times in life, when all we need to do is just be still, be quiet, listen. There are many situations in life which call for us to calm down, or to relax, or to think before we speak.  

There are situations out of our control, things that do not apply to us, words that need not be spoken, and thoughts that need not be shared.  Life is just that way. 

Of course, there are also times in life when our opinions do count, our thoughts DO matter and people want and need to hear what we have to say.  

But when we are fired up and emotional and not thinking clearly, is not the time to share every thought that enters our head.  When we feel like this, the best solution is to stop, take a breath or two, and instead of looking, like Narcissus into a pond that only reflects our own face, take a step back, change perspective, and see a great big world  as  something enormous that we  are part of.  

There is not just one face in that shallow self reflecting pond, but a whole big world of faces.  A whole big world of which we are an intricate part.  Like a well oiled machine, each gear has to work properly in order for the machine to work. 

I realize that not everyone has this problem, but for those of you who can realte to me, I offer some advice.  This has taken me many many years and a lot of trial and error, to be able to understand and practice (not yet mastered) this task.  

The best way I have found to keep myself in check (and trust me, I have come to realize this after many failed attempts and face palms and "oh shit!"s) is to slow down, take a pause, close the mouth, take a breath – and stop. 

Give yourself a focal point, someting outside of your immediate situatiuon and use some power words if need be.  Not right now.  I’m not going there.  It is what it is, etc.  This takes the focus from all that noise inside your head and puts it on a bigger point outside of you. Helps you to relax and calm down.

Often, if we do this, we will find, that, unlike narcissus, gazing into the pond and seeing only his self staring back, there is a whole other world out there, which although we are a part of, requires nothing from us, but to sit back, be still and relax. 

Life can be overwhelming.  

Shit gets hard.

Calm down

Relax

You got this! 

LVP2015

When the dust settles

...And now that the dust settles, I see that the clouds are beginning to disappear. And what once had frightened me and ruffled my feathers and caused me fear and doubt, has grown me into a stronger, more confident woman.
And it’s interesting how quickly these changes can come. Three days ago, I sat, alone, cold, scared, four concrete walls and a stainless toilet were all that I had. Fear of not doing the right thing, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of pissing somebody off, driving my every move, fuelling my thoughts and creeping into every idea and memory that I had.

And it’s interesting how quickly these changes can come. Three days ago, I sat, alone, cold, scared, four concrete walls and a stainless toilet were all that I had. Fear of not doing the right thing, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of pissing somebody off, driving my every move, fuelling my thoughts and creeping into every idea and memory that I had.

Fear was fuelling me. I was fuelled by fear.

But when the dust settled, in that concrete cage, a calm descended upon me. The curtain was lifted and I stepped out of that fear. I stepped out of that fog and I began walking toward something I could feel and I could embrace. I was no longer a victim. And I wasn’t a witness. I was a woman with a purpose. There was a plan and I knew it. I knew why I was here, what I was to learn from this event. What I needed to do next, and that I needn’t be afraid. 

 Finally, I knew what I needed to do. Finally I knew where to go. Finally I had direction and I had answers and a purpose. Finally I was strong and I knew itAnd I knew it.

And when the dust settled…like it somehow always does...

I was fuelled by something so much stronger than myself. A new power came over me. I was fuelled, not by hate, nor by anger nor by greed, pain nor loss. I was fuelled by a knowing, a responsibility and a fight. I was fuelled by an unmistakable power. A love.

I knew then, and I know now that I need to do what’s right, without fear, regret or doubts, not only for me, and my own emotional well being, but for many other women that have been in my place before.  And also to be certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that no woman is ever wounded by his hands again.

So as I sit here and realize, and write this and share, I am filled with a new power and I am finally fuelled by strength -- Fuelled by power, fuelled by wisdom and most of all fuelled by love.

When the dust settled

I realized

I am eternally fuelled by love.

LP2015

red

Your naked body in the mirror 

a double-edged reflection 

re-flecting 

Two of you  

(Perhaps more the deeper I look) 

One high, one low 

One up and one down 

One protecting me 

With strong solid arms 

and one I had to run from 

Long, dark hallways in slow-mo 

One keeping me safe 

As I slept every night 

And one wielding a knife 

and slicing body, and my heart

 Warm blood oozes 

Squishy in my shoe 

red jelly clots 

on the dirty 

carpet

LVP

For Jim

August 2015