Parenting is hard.
Period. I know you’ve heard this before,
but kids don’t come with
instructions. Every one is different and
what works for your first child, may not work for your second. Being a parent is hard. Rewarding, for sure, but difficult, we learn
as we go.
As hard as parenting is, being a single parent is twice as
hard. You have all the trial and error,
all the mistaking, all the financial pressure, emotional and mental pressure of
parenting, all the responsibility of family life that normally falls on four
shoulders, on only two. It’s a heavy
load. I know.
Recently, I have come across a few people, men mostly who
claim to be single dads, but when questioned further, actually only have their
kids part time. While I commend them for
being a part of their children’s lives (no, not really, you’re a Dad, it’s your
JOB!) I would like to clarify that sharing custody is NOT the same as being a
single parent. You may be a single
parent half of the time, sure, or part of the time, maybe, but the rest of the
time someone else is the parent. This is co-parenting, or kid sharing, or
shared custody etc. This is NOT single
parenting.
Yeah, I am a little offended at this claim to be single Dad’s
from guys that are not. Yeah, it pisses
me off. I have been a single parent for
19 years. Me, myself and I. No Dad in the picture to take the kids on
weekends or let me go out for movie night with the girls, or sleep in on
Saturday or go to Vegas for the weekend.
I don’t get a week without my kids or every second weekend to
myself. Co-parents do. I love my kids to death and truthfully, wouldn’t
change a thing about the way we have all grown up over the past 19 years. My complaint is not that I was a single
Mom. I loved being a single Mom. My complaint is that people pretend to be
single parents when they are not.
My complaint is that people don’t seem to understand the WORK
that is involved in single parenting. The
time, effort, money, stress and pressure (normally shared by two parents) that
it takes to raise a child (or two or more) as a single parent is double. And single parents do all of this in half the
time. We still have to work. Still have to support our families, but
somehow we have to find time to do it all in as much time as it normally takes
two people to do the same things. Work, cooking,
cleaning, laundry, homework, activities, taxiing kids around, emotional support;
the list is endless! This would be like
if your boss at work asked you to be the Secretary and the CEO of the company
but only gave you 40 hours a week to do both jobs and only paid you wages for
one. Could you do it? Would you?
I know there are some Dad’s who actually are single parents and
do a damn fine job. As unfathomable as
it is, there are Mom’s who have left their babies behind and the Dads have
stepped up to the plate. Sometimes due to unfortunate circumstances, a Father
is left alone with the kids. I know of many Fathers who are doing a great job of being
Mommy, and daddy. Good job guys!
They are not the issue. The issue
is people claiming to be single parents when they are not.
This is just disrespectful!
Single parenting is a very real thing for many of us! It’s a job in and of itself. And it’s twice as hard as co-parenting or
double-parenting. But it is probably also
twice as rewarding. A single parent gets
to experience all of the firsts and all of the joys and heartaches and sorrow
that normally fall on two heads. And
while I am certain it must be nice to have someone else to share all the firsts
the smiles, and lost teeth and broken
bones and bruised hearts and even the blood sweat and tears, there is something a little extra sweet about
knowing that you did this all on your own.
Raising kids is difficult, and parenting is hard, even with
two parents. Single parenting; taking a
job normally shared between two partners and doing it all on your own, is just
that much harder. So any of you co-parents,
and shared custody parents, please do not dis-respect all the wonderful single
parents out there, Moms and Dads alike, by presenting yourself as a single parent, when you
are not!
Whether you are a Mom or Dad, single or married, yes,
parenting is hard, but it is also the
most rewarding difficult job any of us will ever have!
I agree with just about everything your saying here, and think it very disrespectful to say your a single parent when your not. I'm never in favor of diminishing the struggles anyone has to go through.
ReplyDeleteThat said I kind of feel like your post doesn't adequately address those parents who aren't "single" parents, but who still have basically the same struggles as a single parent. In some cases they have other struggles that are at least equivalent. I felt like your post implies that if you aren't a single parent you don't have it as hard as those that are.
What about parents who have to send their kids into another parent's house where they are doing drugs. Where the kid comes back to you smelling rancid, looking filthy, smelling like cigarette smoke (for awhile also smelled like pot), and with a hacking cough, and sore throat. And this isn't once in while, it is almost every weekend.
When your kid has challenging psychological issues, but the other parent in 8 years has only shown up to...maybe 3 school meetings, no parent teacher conferences, no therapy sessions, and almost always forgets to give the kiddo her medicine on the weekend. On new years had our kiddo, a 9 year old be responsible for watching the Mom's other two kids who are under 4 years while Mom got drunk with friends, and who almost never sends the kiddo back to me wearing cloths that fit her. Doesn't do anything educational with the kiddo over the summer to help the kiddo adjust back to school the next year. Who can't remember any agreement you make with her, and then picks a fight with you in front of the kiddo blaming you for scheduling things that take her time away without her permission. The last time this fight happened the thing that was scheduled was summer group therapy for our mildly autistic child, which she agreed to but forgot. And who, despite not having a leg to stand on in court, files for custody every other year or so, forcing me into a position where I have to spend over $7000 on an attorney. Despite all this when I wanted to get sole custody, because of the problems we have, or at least supervised visitation, it wasn't possible.
On top of that I would love to move out of the area I'm living in, because it would be easier for me to find a good job. Yet per our custody agreement I have to get permission from my daughters Mom to take our daughter out of this area. Which makes sense, except the Mom I have to deal with tends to be very difficult to deal with.
I am happy my daughter at least has her Mom, when I was growing up, my Dad raised me truly on his own, and I didn't know my Mom. There are times when I know it would been easier to be single father, and not have to deal with all of these problems.
Great post LVP as usual. I 100% agree with everything you said and you couldn't have said it better !
ReplyDeletePeople that are not single parents have absolutely NO idea the struggles that one parent families go through.
Please keep writing, your insight into parenting is spot on. Thanks for that !