When the dust settles

...And now that the dust settles, I see that the clouds are beginning to disappear. And what once had frightened me and ruffled my feathers and caused me fear and doubt, has grown me into a stronger, more confident woman.
And it’s interesting how quickly these changes can come. Three days ago, I sat, alone, cold, scared, four concrete walls and a stainless toilet were all that I had. Fear of not doing the right thing, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of pissing somebody off, driving my every move, fuelling my thoughts and creeping into every idea and memory that I had.

And it’s interesting how quickly these changes can come. Three days ago, I sat, alone, cold, scared, four concrete walls and a stainless toilet were all that I had. Fear of not doing the right thing, fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of pissing somebody off, driving my every move, fuelling my thoughts and creeping into every idea and memory that I had.

Fear was fuelling me. I was fuelled by fear.

But when the dust settled, in that concrete cage, a calm descended upon me. The curtain was lifted and I stepped out of that fear. I stepped out of that fog and I began walking toward something I could feel and I could embrace. I was no longer a victim. And I wasn’t a witness. I was a woman with a purpose. There was a plan and I knew it. I knew why I was here, what I was to learn from this event. What I needed to do next, and that I needn’t be afraid. 

 Finally, I knew what I needed to do. Finally I knew where to go. Finally I had direction and I had answers and a purpose. Finally I was strong and I knew itAnd I knew it.

And when the dust settled…like it somehow always does...

I was fuelled by something so much stronger than myself. A new power came over me. I was fuelled, not by hate, nor by anger nor by greed, pain nor loss. I was fuelled by a knowing, a responsibility and a fight. I was fuelled by an unmistakable power. A love.

I knew then, and I know now that I need to do what’s right, without fear, regret or doubts, not only for me, and my own emotional well being, but for many other women that have been in my place before.  And also to be certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that no woman is ever wounded by his hands again.

So as I sit here and realize, and write this and share, I am filled with a new power and I am finally fuelled by strength -- Fuelled by power, fuelled by wisdom and most of all fuelled by love.

When the dust settled

I realized

I am eternally fuelled by love.

LP2015