Trigger

I wrote this today to a 'friend' who doesn't get me or what I've been through. He triggers me and then I breakdown, but I wrote this from a place of personal power and hope to be able to use it again if need be.
He had insinuated that I keep repeating the pattern of abusive relationship and that i never really change anything. Kind of a "well we've heard that before" comment.

"I'm going to do this as honestly and briefly as possible E. I originally assumed this question was in regards to my previous relationships and the fact that I have been in a couple abusive situations since I have met you (3 if you count the ex husband which occurred long before we met). Answering to that.

1. I recently had a breakdown which lasted, quite some time, but at the lowest point 3 months, during which I was almost totally incapable of taking care of myself. During that time I met JRM and the relationship turned violent. The night I ended it, I got stabbed and brutally assaulted, landing in hospital.

2. That has flared up PTSD symptoms and talking about the relationship, or my past previous, can result in me being triggered. I crash very quickly. This happened the first time you asked me this question and the 2nd time.

3.I am in a delicate position right now, still kind of ankle deep in breakdown. On a good day, I have fought it and won, on a bad day, a crash, I struggle.

4. I can not talk to you about my relationships, most recent or other right now for a number of reasons.

   a. You don't have all of the  information needed about me and I am not in a position to explain

   b. You do not have information necessary about the cycle of abuse and I can not explain   c. You do not have info you need on PTSD, here, I am slowly writing about this

5. What you can not see is a family history as well as ancient patterns that I have been struggling my entire life to overcome, often with no help. What you also can not see is the progress I am making in those areas, both for me and my family

6. What you also can not see is the work, I am doing on self, with therapy, meds and tools I have learned

7. I am learning how to use and enforce boundaries and am learning my power. These two things alone will make positive that I am never in another abusive relationship, of any form, physical, mental, sexual, emotional, (yes I have experienced them all)

8.Your original question, however filled with assumption and judgement it may or may not be, does have some validity, of course, but please do not assume that I am not doing work because old patterns have surfaced.

9. Please respect my wishes when I tell you that I am working this all out (it is a big job) with people who are qualified to help me and I can not do it here, with you. It has to be done on my own time and on my own terms, and with positive support and encouragement, else I run the risk of being triggered and crashing.

10. But you are correct. It must be done.

I have no choice

Casting Shadows

I listen 
to the sound 
of cars going 
by 
 and their headlights flashing shadows 

of trees on the wall in my bedroom. 
 As the car fades, 
the tree shadows fade and I 

anticipate each next one before it comes

.And I flash 
back:

The House
I am going to sleep, 

comfy and  safe 

 Giant Weeping Willows
 on her front lawn and the side of the house, 

and the back.  

Cars driving slowly by

cast tree shadow movies

on the walls


Today,  As I lay 
about to sleep in my loft apartment, 

I hear the sound of traffic 

going 

by and see
 the treeshadows dance

 on my wall and then leave. 

 I feel safe, and free and ok.  

One car passes and takes with it the tree shadows,

 but I know that another one is coming, 

and another, and another.  

It's a feeling I haven't expeerienced

 often in my life, 

that comfort, warmth, security 
and freedom.  


But it is a feeling 
I long for 
and one I will never forget.

Traffic casting tree-shadows
. Like a silent film.  

On the wall.

Like nothing else ever existed